Hitchcock Merely Scratched the Surface with ‘The Birds’

I have a solution for getting rid of turkey buzzards.

In case you’re unfamiliar, turkey buzzards are big black birds that look like vultures with red heads and a gnarly beak.

If I were a turkey, I would be extremely offended.

I cannot stand to even look at them. 

These vile creatures aren’t everywhere, but I always see them congregated along the highway in the same places. I guess they know where the best roadkill is. There they sit, just waiting for a car to hit a skunk so they can eat lunch.

Sometimes they’re in the ditch. Sometimes they’re just sitting in a field. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one fly, but every now and again, they’ll be sitting in a tree, so I guess they can.

They would make Alfred Hitchcock squirm. I guess that’s why he did “The Birds,” not “The Buzzards.”

Can’t you just see Tippi Hedren when Alfred told her they had tweaked the plot just a little bit?

We need to free the planet of them, plain and simple. I cannot imagine anything they do that helps our ecosystem at all.

So, here’s my solution.

When I was a kid, our town had a blackbird problem.

To get that under control, during certain times of the year, you could take your trusty shotgun to the city softball park and shoot them as they flew overhead.

The only thing that people in my town loved more than softball, was shooting guns.

I guess this was the best of both worlds.

I have no idea what kept someone from getting killed. But the powers that be seemed to think it was a good idea.

Of course, this is the same town that had a truck that drove around the neighborhoods in the summer spraying a poison fog to kill mosquitoes.

The adults kept sitting on the front porch. We kept playing in the street. We would follow it on bicycles. I still remember how it smelled.

I wonder how long ago the EPA outlawed the government spraying what was most certainly a carcinogen all over town?

I can’t believe one of those law firms with an 800 number didn’t file a class action suit.

Anyway, back to the birds.

In the spirit of the ‘70s, I say let’s declare open season on turkey buzzards. Break out the 12-gauge, Elmer. Your country needs you.

Of course, if you shot one, you would need to dispose of it, and that would mean getting close to it and — heaven forbid — touching it.

I don’t know how they got rid of the blackbirds that got shot back in the day. There’s probably still someone I could ask.

I did an internet search for the grossest animals on the planet to see how high my buzzards would be listed.

They weren’t even mentioned. I don’t know if that made me feel better or worse. But let me give you some advice. Don’t google naked mole rat during lunch. That dude needs to put on some clothes.

They and the other creatures on the list make turkey buzzards look like kittens.

Elmer, I don’t see my idea getting much traction, but if it does, I’ll call you.