Sometimes it’s Best to Let the Experts do Their Job

I’m a doer.

When I was a little kid, daddy and I would watch the NBA game on Sunday afternoon.

Back then, there was one professional basketball game per week. If you missed it, you missed it.

Anyway, I would watch the first quarter. Then I would go outside and play basketball the rest of the game rather than watch.

Anytime I start to read a book, I have to stop myself from trying to write a book after reading about 25 pages.

It’s a pattern. And here’s another example.

Back when Kim and I were dating while in college, she worked for the alumni association.

She called alumni on the phone and asked them to donate money to the university.

She was good at it, really good.

Sometimes I’m afraid she’s going to start calling people to tell them their extended vehicle warranty has expired.

As a bonus to the pittance she was paid by the university, she would regularly win gift certificate bonuses to our favorite restaurant for getting the most donations of the night, the largest donation, etc.

The specialty at this restaurant was prime rib. I had never had prime rib before. And the first time I tasted it, it was a Biblical experience for me.

This restaurant also made cheddar cheese salad dressing, which is still one of my favorite tastes ever.

You already know where this is going.

I would replicate the meal, and it would be Kim’s birthday surprise that year.

I knew the prime rib was slow cooked, and the only slow cooker I was familiar with was a Crock-Pot.

So, I bought a Crock-Pot.

Then I went to the grocery store.

I bought greens for a salad. I had that much sense, at least.

For the prime rib, I don’t remember what I bought. It was probably a chuck roast or something comparable. I was on a pretty tight budget that year.

Anything slow cooked in a Crock-Pot couldn’t miss, right?

I had no idea how to make cheddar cheese salad dressing. But, undeterred, I bought some eggs, shredded cheddar cheese and other ingredients I cannot recall.

I put the meat in the Crock-Pot, added salt and pepper and turned it on low.

Then I began to concoct the salad dressing.

After beating a couple of eggs and putting them and the cheddar cheese in a pot on the stove, I began to stir.

Then I began to add other ingredients — probably butter or mayonnaise.

You will find this difficult to believe, but it didn’t look like salad dressing at all.

I realized after a few minutes I was genetically engineering Salmonella.

I’m pretty sure that was one of the forbidden activities in my apartment lease.

I learned a couple of things that day.

Boiled chuck roast does not turn into prime rib.

Raw eggs are not the main ingredient in salad dressing — which we didn’t eat, by the way. In fact, I think I threw away the pot.

We did eat the boiled beef, and while it wasn’t the best birthday meal in history, Kim pretended to enjoy it at least.

And the joke about the salad dressing fail became the gift that keeps on giving for more than 30 years and counting. 

Happy birthday, Kim.