It’s OK Not to Look the Way You Sound

We’ve probably all idolized someone at some point in our lives.

It could be an actor or an athlete, or maybe just the older kid in the neighborhood with the cool girlfriend.

Or it could be a radio disc jockey, which it was in my case.

His name was Chris Cooke, or as he called himself on-air, “Cookin’ Chris-co Cooke.”

I’m probably not spelling that right. I googled him with no luck.

It is a stretch to say I idolized him, but I listened to his show every single night as he played hit after hit for hours. 

He had a big booming bass radio voice, thick like cold molasses. My friends and I were convinced he probably looked like Magnum P.I. and drove a Camaro or a Mustang.

It was probably around 1980 when his radio station sponsored a raft race on the Tennessee River on the Fourth of July.

Five or so of my friends and I built a raft and entered it. It was two pieces of plywood nailed together supported by inner tubes.

The day was a perfect disaster.

First off, the river had no current, so we had to paddle.

If you’re squeamish, skip the next paragraph.

As I was rowing, I stuck a splinter just inside my middle fingernail that went the length of it. I could see it through the nail. 

One of the kids in our group got so sunburned he had to go to the hospital.

Everyone who entered got a little styrofoam cooler, and all of ours got stolen out of the truck we drove down there.

We would still be out there on the water, but someone with a boat towed us to the shore.

But despite all that misfortune — except for the splinter — it would all be worth it, because Chris Cooke was going to emcee the awards ceremony at the end.

Oh, and Chris, if you’re out there somewhere reading this, I do apologize.

And honestly, I don’e even remember the specifics, but he looked nothing like he sounded.

I’m not saying there was anything wrong with the way he looked. But, he was just mostly hair, a huge pair of lungs and a diaphragm.

Magnum PI was nowhere in sight.

***

I’m offended. And I have a good right to be.

You know, these days all types of people get offended by all types of things that they really shouldn’t get offended by.

It’s getting worse all the time.

I read where one reason people get offended easily because of a feeling of inferiority.

That’s their problem, not mine. 

I have a good reason to be offended.

A few days ago, I put a perfectly good — though gently used — patio table by the road.

It even had a glass top. 

No one picked it up for four days.

That’s more than half a week.

All it needed was a little paint, and it would’ve been good as new.

I’ve put worthless stuff by the road and had someone pick it up before I got back to the house.

Once, I put a rusted-out fire pit down there and someone took it.

Earlier this summer, I put a few broken flower pots down there, and whoosh. Fifteen minutes.

I guess I should’ve done it earlier in the spring.