I’ll Have an Order of Grits and Avocado Toast

We are so fragile.

I’m talking about the uproar Cracker Barrel caused when it unveiled its new plant-based Impossible Sausage patty.

The Facebook post the restaurant chain made announcing the new item has spurred more than 18,000 comments so far, many from people who got their feelings hurt over it.

One person wrote, “Are you kidding me? Who do you think your customer base is?”

Another posted, “Go woke, go broke.”

I’m not sure what a vegetarian sausage patty has to do with racial injustice, but maybe that's just me.

For the love of Porky Pig, Bubba, calm down. Nobody is coming for your sausage.

Let me be 100 percent clear here. I will probably never eat a plant-based piece of sausage at any restaurant. I probably should, but I don’t have plans to do so anytime soon. I’ve eaten veggie hamburger patties before, and they’re OK if you hide them under enough cheese, tomato and mustard. 

Yes, I’m a carnivore, but I don’t have any problem with people who aren’t.

And it’s not like they took meat off the menu. They just added another option.

The restaurant issued a statement, saying “(We) appreciate the love our fans have for our all-day breakfast menu,” adding it wants "to satisfy every taste bud — whether people want to stick with traditional favorites like bacon and sausage or are hungry for a new, nutritious plant-based option like Impossible Sausage.”

I can't imagine throwing a tantrum over an item on a restaurant menu.

But wait. If Bubba can get his knickers in a twist over what’s on the menu, then why can’t the rest of us?

Listen carefully to my demands, restaurant owners.

For breakfast, the orange juice must come out of one of those machines that sprays it inside the glass dome. I love those things. 

The breakfast food can be only fried eggs over easy, toast — from white bread, of course — homemade plum jelly, and sausage or bacon.

And the sausage has to be patties, not links. Don’t get me started.

The only things on the lunch menu are cheeseburgers and French fries.

And the fries have to be either crinkle or steak fries.

I might not protest over some tater tots, but don’t push it.

The dinner menu can only consist of pepperoni and mushroom pizza, prime rib and lasagna.

Meat lasagna, none of that pansy eggplant gruel.

Dessert can only be chocolate cake like Mama used to make me on my birthday and homemade vanilla ice cream.

And that's it. If I see one Brussels sprout, my jug of Lipotor and I are jumping in the truck and going to a restaurant that doesn’t hate America.

But back to Cracker Barrel’s attack on our national heritage, they may not stop there.

What if they started serving avocado toast? That’s actually pretty funny if you think about it.

Can you imagine ordering an Uncle Herschel and getting avocado toast?

No more fried chicken, no-siree. It’s chicken cordon bleu from now on.

Sweet tea? Yeah, right. I hope you can stomach a refreshing $8 bottle of imported sparkling water.

Oh, and those SEC school sweatshirts in the gift shop? Gonzo.

Do you prefer Harvard or Columbia?

Enjoy your apple pie while you can, Bubba. I’ve heard rumors about replacing it with baked Alaska flambé.