You, Too Can Become a Professional Athlete

I try to keep up with what’s going on in the world.

That’s not hard to do nowadays with all our information delivery channels.

But I learned something today I had no idea existed.

Competitive cornhole is real.

In case you’re unfamiliar, cornhole is a game where people toss beanbags  21 feet toward a wooden ramp about 3 feet long with a hole in the middle.

The object — obviously — is to get your bag in the hole.

This game is popular at backyard parties, football tailgates and on beaches where you also might find a volleyball net and a bocce court.

I’ve never seen anyone play cornhole who didn’t have a red Solo cup in their non-throwing hand.

Until today.

I walked into a restaurant, and there on the TV were people playing cornhole.

And I don’t mean some local public access or YouTube thing.

It was on ESPN, the self-proclaimed “Worldwide Leader in Sports,” for heaven’s sake.

ESPN has changed the way we watch sports. ESPN airs pro football, college football, the NBA, major league baseball, a ton of other sports. 

And now ESPN airs cornhole.

There were commentators, banks of lights, split-screens and instant replays.

There were bleachers packed to the gills with rabid fans waving signs.

And there were sponsors — sponsors from nationwide brands you’ve heard of. It wasn’t like a dirt-track car you see being pulled down a two-lane highway with “Ed’s Garage” spray painted on the door.

As usual, of course, the joke was on me. ESPN knows what they’re doing. I couldn’t look away. I got more salsa on my cheek than usual because I couldn’t coordinate my turned head with my chip hand.

I’m glad I wasn’t in a chips and salsa cornhole competition.

As soon as I got settled in back at home I dialed up my therapist, Dr. Google.

What he told me was astounding.

There are at least two cornhole association, the American Cornhole League (ACL) and the American Cornhole Organization.

The show I saw was the American Cornhole League.

The prize money payout in 2018 was over $1 million.

That can buy you a bunch of red Solo cups.

And then I went down the rabbit hole of looking at a list of where upcoming tournaments were being held.

I was expecting to see places like in the back of Ed’s Garage, but that wasn’t the case at all.

They were all over the country, and there were even events in Newfoundland. Now, granted, Canada doesn’t have college football — or do they? That’s a question for another day.

And then it hit me.

Why can’t I be a professional cornhole player?

According to the ACL’s website, “The ACL promotes and develops cornhole as a sport for any age and any skill level.”

Ch-ching. My professional cornhole name is going to be Joe LeBron Peyton Tiger DiMaggio. Check your Wheaties box in a couple of months, boys and girls.

Seriously, though, people can join the league on the website, compete in events and work their way up.

And some of them are going to end up on ESPN.

It just goes to show you there’s more than one way to live the American Dream.